Monday, December 1, 2014

I Got a Head Full of Questions and a Heart Full of Doubt

If those aren't song lyrics then they should be.  It's exactly how I feel right now.  I don't know if my meds just are working any more or there is just an inordinate amount of stress going on in my life right now.  Lately there seem to be days that I am unable to appease or quite the voices in my head.  Yes that's right.  I said voices.  I have multiple personalities if you will running ramped through my psyche.  Some times it's my inner goddess telling me that I look fabulous and can rule the world if I so chose and squash anyone who dares get in my way.  And sometimes its my snarky, negative Nancy telling me that all my worst fears are actually coming to fruition and I'm right to have all my insecurities.  Other times it's my dad telling me to chose wisely because life is choices and then sometimes it's my grandmother telling me I'm just going through an ugly phase right now but that I'll grow out of it one day. (True story. She actually said that to me when I was about 12.)  But lately it seems as if the voices have questions that I can't find the answers to and that only ratchets up the anxiety.  And to make matters worse no one else has the answers either.  It seems that the only being who could possibly answer all these unending questions running through my mind has taken an indefinite hiatus from answering his fan mail.  Either that or the line coming my way is busted.

I know that in times of difficulty, we should turn to God, and I have so often in the past as well as lately but it seems as if I can't quite my over stimulated spirit long enough to hear the answers he has to my thousand a day questions.  And here's where the doubt comes in.  I pray, I read my bible, I go to church to hear his word but for some reason I'm just not connecting.  What do you do when you get to this point?  When you need so badly to hear from God or to have Him quite your spirit just so you can think straight?  When you're reaching out for and seeking him, but you just can't seem to find him?  I believe that God wants good things for me and has good things planned for my life.  It just feels like I've let a pretty butterfly distract me and some how I've gotten off the path he's laid for me and now I'm lost in the woods and can't get back on the right road.  This feeling of being utterly lost and floundering completely is the worst.  The not knowing is what kills me the most.  I like having my life planned out to the second and knowing exactly what steps I have to take to make those plans happen but it seems as if right now God is telling me to just chill and wing it and let it be.  And I'm struggling.  Bad.

But good old negative Nancy is always there and quick to inform me that no, God's not trying to teach you something and help you grow.  He's not trying to teach you a lesson that will help you with the struggles in life.  He's simply forgotten about you and is busy with someone more important.  And maybe if he has time before he moves on to the next important person, he'll get back to you.  I know none of that's true and that God loves each of us as if we were the only one, but some times when you go long enough without hearing from him, that hoochie is easy to believe.  And it's my weakness to always believe the worst.  It's something I struggle with daily.  I want to think the best of people and of myself and I want to believe that people are mostly good but that's very difficult when so many times I have been proven wrong.  I've been burned enough that I know not to stick my hand in the fire even though it's beautiful and enticing. 

Or maybe I should just up my meds.  Better life through chemistry right?

Friday, July 11, 2014

Response and Responsibility perhaps?

Looking back over the last year of my life and the changes that have occurred, I came to the realization of how much I have changed and in my opinion grown and matured.  I went from being totally dependent on others for my happiness and well being to almost completely self sufficient.  Although I never dreamed my life would take the sharp turns and in some cases U-turns that it has, looking back I wouldn't change any of them.  Maybe with turning 30 I've suddenly developed a new sense of clarity or maybe it was just my time to grow up but I can honestly look back now and say that every experience I have gone through, good or bad, has helped to shape me into the person I am right now and frankly I'm kind of pretty happy with the result so far.  Again maybe it's just something that comes with the milestone of age but I feel like I'm really starting to get to know myself and who I really am and what I really believe.  I'm starting to care less what others think of me and more about what I think of myself and what God thinks of me.  I've also come to the realization that life really is all about choices.  You can choose to pay your bills or to blow all your cash.  You can choose to be happy or to be miserable.  You can choose to be lonely or to enjoy the solitude.  You can choose to be responsible for your actions or to stick your head in the sand.  You can choose to hold your head up high or to cower in the shadows.  Basically it still all boils down to you, and that's a valuable lesson to learn.

Wednesday, July 9, 2014

So this is 30?

Yes I have finally reached the dreaded 3-0.  I'm not going to lie, it hurt, just a little but it hurt none the less.  Not in so much of a physical sense like I woke up the morning of my 30th birthday with some mysterious ache but very much so in an emotional and psychological way.  First off, I never imagined that I would be a single mom living in my home town again at any stage of my life but I always thought that by 30 my life would be somewhat settled and I would be comfortably ensconced in a sedate but pleasing routine life that only included the mundane events of being a working adult with a husband and children.  And yes I said children as I decided long ago I would by now have my desired two children and be done with the reproductive cycle of life.  I also thought that by the time I reach the ripe old age of 30 I would be further along in a career I enjoyed and be working my way up the ladder to if not the corner office than at least something a little more than a fishbowl type cubicle.  I expected that my car would be at least halfway paid off and my house would be a reflection of my good taste and decorating style and have a comfortably lived in feel that was warm and inviting for all the many dinner parties I would give.

Needless to say that none of this is what my life was actually like on the 30th anniversary of my birth.  And to be honest, I'm really ok with all of that.  Yes my car will probably die before I actually get it paid off and my home remains in constant upheaval as I try to piece it together to reflect my champagne-and-diamond-like style on a shoestring budget and the one child I have makes me question my sanity at ever wanting more than one and I am far from actually residing in any office even if it is a short walk to the corner office.  I'm also single.  Did I mention that?  I wasn't sure if I said that earlier.  Most days I'm even ok with that.  I've come to the realization that I would rather be happy and alone or even miserable and alone than with someone and miserable pretending to be happy.

So if I'm content in my life, why did it hurt to turn 30 you ask?  What hurt was not the realization that my life was not as I expected it to be.  It was the realization that what I thought my life should be at 30, some people don't even have a 40 or 50.  It was the loss of the fantasy and the opening of my eyes to a true reality.  I guess I was still holding on the idea that this wasn't really my life and that all my dreams and fantasies were magically going to come true over night and a real prince on a white horse was going to come save me from the pumpkin I mistakenly thought was my prince and on my 30th birthday I would wake to find that the past year had simply been a horrible dream and my life was ideal.  Naïve I know.  That's were the hurt came in.  When I woke up utterly alone on that dreaded day the rose colored glasses I had tried to permanently adhere to my eyes were obliterated and I was forced to see things as they really are.  There is no prince charming coming to the rescue to fix everything for me. 

After I finished wallowing in my misery about what I thought I had lost, I realized that those things are really what I want anyway.  I don't want a knight on white horse to come and sweep me off my feet and "fix" everything.  Sometimes things are more beautiful and more valuable in their brokenness.  Everything doesn't have to always have to be perfect and most of the time things end up better even if they are the exact opposite of what you thought you wanted.  I can honestly say that I am happier today than I have been in longer than I can remember.  Yes I still struggle and yes there are times that I feel like I'm at the bottom of the well but those pass.  If my life hadn't taken the drastic turn it did, I wouldn't now have one of the best friends I have ever known and I wouldn't be seeing my baby boy blossoming into the self-dependent, curious little boy he is becoming.  I wouldn't be strengthening my relationships with family that I love dearly and getting to actually participate in their lives.  My life is so much fuller now that it ever was.  And I finally realized that 30 isn't so bad.  It isn't the resting point I always thought it was supposed to be.  It isn't the end of the adventure.  In fact, I have the feeling that it's just the beginning.

Monday, June 9, 2014

A Voyage on the Buccaneer!!

While we were vacationing in Destin, Florida, we had an amazing opportunity to take a trip on a real pirate ship called the Buccaneer.  Now if you know anything about my son, you know that he is obsessed with Jake and the Neverland Pirates and it just so happens that their ships name is the Buccaneer, or Bucky for short.  Little Man was beside himself that he was actually going to get to take a ride on Bucky and learn how to be an official pirate.  The ship was huge and was run by a three "pirate" crew.  While Captain Cannonball drove the ship, the other two pirates engaged the children in a number of activities including a water gun fight, face painting, swabbing the deck (after the water gun fight), a sword fighting lesson, a story about lost treasure, and even finding said lost treasure and hauling it out of the sea.  Needless to say the adventure and joy on LM's face was well worth the money spent.  The crew was phenomenal and even passed along a Christian message about why they do what they do every day.  In all the activities they lead they stove to imbed good moral values in the children like sharing, having self-confidence, and just being a good person in general.  The whole adventure only lasted about 2 hours but there was so much fun packed into that time that it felt like we had just boarded when the ship pulled back into the harbor.  The organization in charge of the cruises is Buccaneer Pirate Cruises (link to Facebook page).  If you are ever in the Destin area, I highly recommend that you look into going on one of their cruises.  They usually do a few a day.  Times may vary based on the season. Below of some pictures from our time upon the Buccaneer and on the harbor walk before departure.

Monday, June 2, 2014

Our Trip to Sunny Destin, Florida

Ok most of you know from previous posts how much is dislike Florida.  It's normally too hot, too humid, and too irritating.  But my mom and my son love the beach and the ocean breeze so for their sake I went along and we took a family trip to Destin, Florida. Now don't get me wrong.  Florida is beautiful especially in the pan-handle with it's white sugar sand beaches and emerald waters bright vibrant colors.  That is one thing I actually love about Florida is that they have no issues painting a building bright orange or coral with neon yellow or day glow blue trim.  And in some crazy way it works down there.  So I do enjoy the scenery if it can be viewed from a well air conditioned place.  I must say though the week we were there the weather gods took pity on me and gave us several days humidity free with temperatures in the high 70's.  Perfect.  It didn't start getting unbearable until our last few days so I just put my big girl panties on and dealt with it for the sake of my son's enjoyment.  Here are a few pictures to illustrate the joy that he has from being out in the sun and surf.  I'll do a separate post for our pirate ship adventure.

Thursday, May 1, 2014

A Quick Rant About Something I Have No Control Over

This bi-polar weather is killing me!!  My sinuses can't take much more of this back and forth.  Today is the first day of May and the high is only 68 degrees!!  I refuse to turn my heat on in May but I'm glad that I haven't put away my winter clothes and blankets.  I know that the Mississippi Delta area weather has always had a mind of it's own but it usually stayed on the side of hot to borderline miserable with the humidity ranging from sauna to where's my knife so I can walk through this air.  I mean this is supposed to be the south!  Where winter only lasts for a few short weeks and we have summer and then second summer with about a week of spring and fall thrown in just so the trees have time to change color.  But this winteresc weather when it is supposed to be turning into summer is getting a bit out of hand.  I am tired of complaining about the cold!  It is high time I was able to complain about how hot and humid it is here.  And all this coming from a person who loves cooler weather but this year I've had my fill.  I probably wouldn't mind so much about the cooler temperatures we've had this week if we hadn't just had a week of near 80 degree weather.  Cold weather has to be eased into gradually so the sudden switch is quite a shock to the system.  Someday I will find a place where it is 70 degrees, plus or minus a few degrees, year round.  Then I'll be able to find something else to complain about but as for now I think I'm done with discussing the weather.

Tuesday, April 29, 2014

Impulse Control ... What's That?

   I think I've know this for a while but just finally accepted it today.  I have no impulse control.  I have a totally obsessive, over the top personality.  I just cannot tell myself no, which I guess also means I have little to no self-control but I'm not willing to face that flaw yet today too.  I finally came to the realization that I have no impulse control after going to Wal-Mart on my lunch break today for two things, fabric stabilizer and a salad, (not to be used jointly) and instead came out with $60.00 worth of stuff.  Was it stuff I needed? Somewhat.  Was it stuff I could have lived with out?  Definitely.  Is it stuff I will actually use? Absolutely. 

   Now for a little explanation on what I actually went in for, the fabric stabilizer and salad.  I needed the stabilizer for a dress that I'm altering for my cousin for her first communion and the salad was for lunch.  So it should have been a short, painless, cheap excursion into the store.  I knew just where the stabilizer was and how much I needed and I knew exactly where the salads are in the store.  But on my way to the very back of the store to get the stabilizer, I passed the cutest, sealable carafes that I just had to have for my kitchen because they were the exact colors I'm using.  I could see all the dried rice and beans I just bought as a nod at eating healthier stored in them so prettily. So I grabbed them and instead of heading toward the fabric section, I turned down the next isle and found a rug gripper that might help keep the new rug I just bought a few weeks ago to stay put in my foyer.  Are you seeing the pattern here?

  My loss of control didn't stop there though.  As I walked down the sewing isle toward the stabilizer which is literally on the very back wall of the store, I also remembered that I couldn't find my sewing gauge, so I grabbed one of those.  And next to it I noticed a bobbin case and I didn't have one of those to help corral all those pesky little bobbies that are like precious jewels because they are so difficult to replace.  I mean you would think that all the sewing machines made by the same brand would use the same size bobbin but this is just not the case, but I digress.  So a few more things caught my eye and made it into the cart before I finally made it to the stabilizer but they are all very useful items that will come in handy with my sewing crafts but the point is that they weren't do or die things.  Will they make the job a little easier? Yes. Were they essential to completing the project? No.  Did I need them to make my life complete?  Of course!!

  I'd really like to tell you that my insanity stopped there and I grabbed my salad and ran from the building (after paying of course) like the hounds of hell were fast at my heals but alas, no.  On the way to the produce section of the store, I had to pass the boys clothing section.  Now, there was a time when buying clothes was my life.  I longed to wear new and pretty things that were usually pretty expensive.  I've grown up a lot in that respect as in that I no longer care about name brands and I will wear something until it absolutely has to be thrown away or made into a dust rag.  But you see I have this beautiful, precious, little creature now with the softest ivory skin and palest blonde hair that deserves to be the best dressed little boy around and looks so gorgeous in any color under the sun.  And Wal-Mart has really stepped up their game on the kids clothes.  They have the cutest little shirt and short sets right now for $7.00.  I mean $7.00!!  Can you believe that?!?  Being the realist that I am and possessing some sense of logic, I know that it is not wise to spend an exorbitant amount of money on kids clothes as they are not capable of keeping their Spaghetti-O sauce from running down their chin onto their clothes.  Or at least my child isn't.  So to me, getting him an adorable outfit that he may only wear once and will probably roll around in the grass in for $7.00 is a bargain. 

  And getting just one or maybe two outfits would be perfectly normal, but I don't get one or two.  I get one of all of them that they have in his size.  See, no impulse control!  I didn't do that today thank goodness so maybe I'm learning.  Or it could have been the fact that I was still thinking about all the craft junk I had just put in the cart. Now I know what you might be thinking.  The kid's gotta have clothes and that's way more important that my craft stuff.  And you would be right, except that I just bought him 7 or so outfits two weeks ago before he went to visit his dad because he had to have clothes that were appropriate for a sub-tropical climate. (His father lives in South Florida which I am certain is one of the many portals to hell which is the only explanation I can come up with to explain the unbearable heat they endure. I'm certain that there is something in the water to make them all believe they enjoy living in temperatures that are second only to that of the sun. But I digress again.)  So needless to say, he didn't need any more clothes.  I'd be willing to wager that the boy has more clothes than Beyoncé. (Not really but he's got a lot.)

   After finally making it to the produce section to get my salad for lunch, I also remembered that I didn't bring anything to snack on this afternoon to keep me from raiding the sugar and calorie filled snack machine when my sweet tooth inevitably strikes.  So not only did I get a salad but I got two snacks as well because, you know, I'll need one for tomorrow too and then finally made my way to the checkout where I again had to guard against all the whatnot's that they pile at the register to make people like me spend even more money than they originally intended too.  Sometimes I think I need blinders like a horse at the derby.

  So you see friends.  It is painfully clear that I have a serious mental infirmity that surely can only be cured with intense therapy or through high dosages of anti-psychotic medications.  I mean does anyone else have this problem?  I feel like every time I go into a store, it is a battle with myself, and usually my checkbook, to not spend every penny I own on needless, or even needful, things.  It is a constant struggle to be frugal and try to put money away for safe keeping.  I just can't help it.  I enjoy buying things, even if they aren't for me.  Is that really so bad?