Friday, November 15, 2013

I Need Some Sleep. Sleep? Sleep? What is Sleep?

So it's 1:27 A.M. on Saturday, November 16, 2013.  I'm still awake.  Not even sleepy.  Tired, yes.  Worn out, yes.  Mentally exhausted, yes.  But able to sleep?  Not a chance.  What is sleep?  Many mothers don't have that luxury and it's even more valuable when you happen to be a single mom.  Don't get me wrong.  I'm not complaining.  I love my Little Man more than life itself and I wouldn't trade one moment of his existence for all the sleep in the world.  He's what keeps me going.  Knowing that what I sacrifice will hopefully make his life just a little bit better or just a little bit easier.  I would give everything I own, even the breath from my lungs to see his smile and to know that he is happy.  But that's what mom's do right?  Mine would do that for me, in a heartbeat.  Even though it's a struggle and sometimes I really want to give in and just hide under the covers, I am so thankful for my son and for having him in my life.  Even though me and his dad aren't together any more, I don't regret any of the heartache I went through with my ex when I hear his sweet voice call me Momma and feel him put his little hand in mine.  That is enough to erase the worst pain imaginable.  So I trudge on.  For him.  So that he can grow up to know that he has a mother that loves him more than anything.  Our newest thing is I ask him if he knows how much I love him.  His response is always, "To the moon and back" but I love him even more than that.  There are no words to describe the feelings and emotions that swamp me when I look at his sweet face.  Oh believe me there are times when I want to kill him and I think, "Lord, you know patience is not one of my stronger virtues."  But then we all know that the Lord has a sense of humor and my son is my exact mini-me in looks and eccentricities.  I swear some times I feel like I am looking in a mirror and think, "Oy! Am I really that annoying?"  And my parents just smile at me with that smile you would give to the village idiot and go about what they were doing.  It's just his growing up so fast and I feel so inadequate sometimes.  I think, "I don't know anything about raising a kid.  Especially a son! What if I screw this up and he ends up needing years of therapy to function normally?"  So I pray.  A lot.  I pray that God guides me in how best to raise him and to teach him how to be polite and have good manors.  I make sure to tell him I love him as much as I can and to make sure he understands and believes it.  I just want to do right by him.  I don't want him to grow up and feel like something was missing.  I want to see him succeed where I have failed.  I want him to be confident in who he is.  Just the random thoughts from a single mother in the middle of the night.  Until next time.

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