Monday, December 1, 2014

I Got a Head Full of Questions and a Heart Full of Doubt

If those aren't song lyrics then they should be.  It's exactly how I feel right now.  I don't know if my meds just are working any more or there is just an inordinate amount of stress going on in my life right now.  Lately there seem to be days that I am unable to appease or quite the voices in my head.  Yes that's right.  I said voices.  I have multiple personalities if you will running ramped through my psyche.  Some times it's my inner goddess telling me that I look fabulous and can rule the world if I so chose and squash anyone who dares get in my way.  And sometimes its my snarky, negative Nancy telling me that all my worst fears are actually coming to fruition and I'm right to have all my insecurities.  Other times it's my dad telling me to chose wisely because life is choices and then sometimes it's my grandmother telling me I'm just going through an ugly phase right now but that I'll grow out of it one day. (True story. She actually said that to me when I was about 12.)  But lately it seems as if the voices have questions that I can't find the answers to and that only ratchets up the anxiety.  And to make matters worse no one else has the answers either.  It seems that the only being who could possibly answer all these unending questions running through my mind has taken an indefinite hiatus from answering his fan mail.  Either that or the line coming my way is busted.

I know that in times of difficulty, we should turn to God, and I have so often in the past as well as lately but it seems as if I can't quite my over stimulated spirit long enough to hear the answers he has to my thousand a day questions.  And here's where the doubt comes in.  I pray, I read my bible, I go to church to hear his word but for some reason I'm just not connecting.  What do you do when you get to this point?  When you need so badly to hear from God or to have Him quite your spirit just so you can think straight?  When you're reaching out for and seeking him, but you just can't seem to find him?  I believe that God wants good things for me and has good things planned for my life.  It just feels like I've let a pretty butterfly distract me and some how I've gotten off the path he's laid for me and now I'm lost in the woods and can't get back on the right road.  This feeling of being utterly lost and floundering completely is the worst.  The not knowing is what kills me the most.  I like having my life planned out to the second and knowing exactly what steps I have to take to make those plans happen but it seems as if right now God is telling me to just chill and wing it and let it be.  And I'm struggling.  Bad.

But good old negative Nancy is always there and quick to inform me that no, God's not trying to teach you something and help you grow.  He's not trying to teach you a lesson that will help you with the struggles in life.  He's simply forgotten about you and is busy with someone more important.  And maybe if he has time before he moves on to the next important person, he'll get back to you.  I know none of that's true and that God loves each of us as if we were the only one, but some times when you go long enough without hearing from him, that hoochie is easy to believe.  And it's my weakness to always believe the worst.  It's something I struggle with daily.  I want to think the best of people and of myself and I want to believe that people are mostly good but that's very difficult when so many times I have been proven wrong.  I've been burned enough that I know not to stick my hand in the fire even though it's beautiful and enticing. 

Or maybe I should just up my meds.  Better life through chemistry right?

1 comment:

  1. Maybe you're learning to have faith...To trust in Him even though we don't know where He'll take us. When I feel lost I try to focus on the little things... Acts of kindness around me, wise words from a stranger, gratitude for my job & my home & my babies. It's easy to forget the little things he blesses us with every day when we're focused on what we think we should have. Love you girl!